Monday, July 12, 2004

My Monkey House

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m no Harrison Bergeron. However, these days, I am much better equipped to understand his plight. He is a character from a Kurt Vonnegut short story. In 2081, the world has finally achieved complete equality by catering to the lowest common denominator. Short story shorter: everyone who is strong has to wear enough weight strapped to their person that they are as weak as their feeblest neighbor. Everyone who is intelligent has loud noises blasted into their ears at random intervals; this keeps them from carrying a coherent intellectual thread, thus eliminating any possibility of superior intellect. Newscasters must have speech impediments so as not to embarrass the less eloquent citizens who might hear them. The story climaxes with Harrison Bergeron, a man who is too strong, intelligent and talented to be “equalized” breaking from his bondage and dancing with an equally strong, intelligent, and talented woman so beautifully that it makes the world cry in awe as they see it on TV. They are both killed for breaking the law, and the story ends with his family not remembering why they were crying because they had been blasted with the distracting noises. It's a great story, and I love that this simplistic criticism of socialist/communist attempts at equality was written by someone as liberal as Vonnegut.
I was not a genius/Adonis before Ruby’s birth, but now I have truly been equalized. Every time I try to read a book, write, watch a movie, or clear my head, the alarm sounds. “Why aren’t you holding me and playing with me? DO IT NOW DAMMIT!” Of course, she can’t convey this in so many words, because she hasn’t learned to speak yet. I do speak English, and this must anger her, so she screams, cries, and grunts angrily until I have lost all ability to think and communicate on any level other than that of running to her, babbling some comforting phrases, and picking her up. If my brainwaves were being monitored by a science fiction machine, the seismograph/lie detector-like paper readout would go from steady pulsing thoughts to maniacally random spikes and valleys for the duration of a Ruby tantrum.

When I pick her up, she gradually calms, and my thoughts start the slow journey back to reason and coherence. However, I am now physically handicapped. At least one of my arms has been rendered useless as I hold this squirmy creature. Simple tasks like getting up from a chair are made difficult by our constantly changing center of gravity. Walking and driving require special astronaut like harnesses. Gathering the needed items and restraints for simple outings is made more difficult and time consuming because of the high decibel brain blasts which inevitably follow the setting down of the baby.
Of course, I’m writing this on Monday. Ruby has just spent the whole weekend with both Ani and me, and now today, something very important is missing. “What do you mean I have to drink out of a bottle? Where are my boobs?” I’m pretty sure that she thinks that I have Ani locked in a closet somewhere, and if she screams hard enough, I’ll release her mother and everyone will be happy. This happened last Monday as well. By the end of the week, she was used to me feeding her, and our days together were not only easier than today: they were downright blissful. Tomorrow, we will have a couple of challenging moments in the morning, but by afternoon, I predict that we’ll be giggling together. When I look at Ruby, eye to eye, and she laughs, then I feel as brilliant and strong as any human being ever could have or ever will. It is the most beautiful sight and sound that I have ever experienced, and it more than makes up for any lack of grace created by my parental ineptitude and the resulting baby’s scream.

Those images were taken within seconds of one another. Fickle child.

Archive
Solids Axes and Pie
Nekkid Dad
We're Still Here
My Monkey House
Nine Fingered Girl
Rock on Little Lady
You and Me Kiddo
A Great Day
Baby Lugosi
Big Papa
A Call To Arms
Ruby in the Wilderness
Pyramid
I Broke It
River Rat
Beaker
ZZZZZ
Shitty Day
Oh No, Bono
Big Pointy
Blow it Dry
Baby Burn
Long Story
Spring Rose
Bennetts and Monkeys
Why Can't I?
Smarty Pants
Primavera
Bjorn
Stim
Yum
*Yawns*
Mulling It Over
Arrgh
Ms. Clean
Easter Cometh
Lucky Number Seven
Fooled
As Jobs Go...
March 23-28
She's Here
March 1-18, 2004
February 2004