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| Saturday, July 10, 2004 Nine Fingered Girl When she wakes up in the morning, Ruby’s face often looks as though she had spent the night in a sack with two angry cats. She is growing so fast that her fingernails need to be clipped every couple of days or she scratches her face to shreds. I don’t mean to criticize Mother Nature’s master plan, but it seems to me like this might be an evolutionary flaw. What would happen to humans if they didn’t cut their nails? I remember a picture in The Guinness Book of World Records of a guy whose fingernails curved in on themselves several times over, interlacing with one another and continuing on and on like some dirty nose picking fractal. How many generations have gone by since fingernails stopped being useful? Get rid of fingernails and appendixes. We’ve lost much of our body hair and our tails; I think it’s time to get rid of the dead cells that ebb from our hands. One of the main reasons that I feel so strongly about this is that while trying to rid her hands of these face mutilators, I cut my baby’s thumb. I had the tiny baby clippers, and was working diligently while she slept still and peacefully. Just as I closed the tiny sharp jaws of the Gerber Utility Baby Nail Clippers, Ruby jerked her hand into the razor vice. There was an instant welling up of blood, and her eyes shot open, only to look directly into my own; into the eyes of the evil pain-causing man whom she used to trust. She screamed and flailed her tiny arms and legs for approximately two minutes. I floundered about like an idiot, crying and apologizing, for a half an hour. I tried to call the pediatrician, but misdialed. I called Ani’s work, but she was away from her desk. In the end, I looked down, and saw that it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined, and Ruby was giggling at the dog while I panicked, so I calmed myself and promised her that from now on, and for the rest of her life, her mother would cut her nails. I’m sorry Ani, but I promised. If, at the age of forty-two, Ruby comes to you and tells you to cut her nails, you must do it. I have obliged you.
Today was my birthday, and we went to the lake. For a change, we drove over the Summit and went to Tahoe. We arrived late in the afternoon, and we were the only people at Hidden Beach. It was very beautiful. I love swimming in that cold clear water. I still prefer Pyramid, but I’ve got to give Tahoe some props.
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