Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Primavera

Tonight, we took Ruby to the park for a picnic with Dan and Leah. It was a beautiful desert evening near the Truckee, warm and windy, and it finally cemented in my mind that the season has changed. Those of you who keep track of such things will wonder why my first vision of Ruby, which occurred within a minute of the spring equinox, did not signal the end of my winter. The truth is, that the last six weeks have been a blissfully strange haze. I find myself inadvertently glancing in the direction of Ruby, and my chest aches from the speed at which my breath catches. Can anyone be that small, that fragile, that beautiful? Yes, they can. She is… and yet I am repeatedly ambushed by the realization that I am a parent and that the most awe-inspiring creature in the world is nearby. Ani told me today that she had surprised herself by looking in the mirror while holding Ruby. She hadn’t yet thought of herself as a mother with child. Although Ani’s pregnancy, the birth of Ruby, and the first six weeks with her have been the most intense and veridical of my life’s experiences, somehow they are also very unreal and chimerical. It would be easy to blame this haziness on my lack of sleep, but more likely it is because of how radically different everything in my life is now. While Justin was in Japan dealing with culture shock, we were here dealing with identity shock. When did I start driving so carefully? When did I stop watching TV? Did my dad just refer to me as Dad when talking to my daughter? My DAUGHTER? Ani said she can’t really even remember how intense those fourteen hours were. I was surprised and almost made fun of her fickle memory, until I realized that I couldn’t really remember how intense they were. The only very clear memory I have of that day is that of Ruby’s open eyes the instant she entered this world. I don’t remember her opening them; they were just open, and she was still for a second, and then she closed them and cried out. It’s as though time decelerated for those few moments, and the next thing I remember is tonight, sitting by the river with Ani, Leah, Dan, and… There she is… That is the most beautiful creature alive. For those of you who hadn’t noticed yet, Spring is here.

Archive
Solids Axes and Pie
Nekkid Dad
We're Still Here
My Monkey House
Nine Fingered Girl
Rock on Little Lady
You and Me Kiddo
A Great Day
Baby Lugosi
Big Papa
A Call To Arms
Ruby in the Wilderness
Pyramid
I Broke It
River Rat
Beaker
ZZZZZ
Shitty Day
Oh No, Bono
Big Pointy
Blow it Dry
Baby Burn
Long Story
Spring Rose
Bennetts and Monkeys
Why Can't I?
Smarty Pants
Primavera
Bjorn
Stim
Yum
*Yawns*
Mulling It Over
Arrgh
Ms. Clean
Easter Cometh
Lucky Number Seven
Fooled
As Jobs Go...
March 23-28
She's Here
March 1-18, 2004
February 2004